


n00bies g0 fr b00bies

by g0re_whore



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Crack, Gen, Irony, M/M, Memes, Offensive, end me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-19 01:51:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12400647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/g0re_whore/pseuds/g0re_whore
Summary: llahnce tries to git inta keeth's pants





	1. pwnd

“quiznak, keeeeth!!!! ur fidget spinners r making me bust so many nutz rn!!!!” llahnce yelled, pausing his viddey game to look at the wed pawwadin in the face owo

he had 3 spidget finners, one in each hand with the other balancing on his fLoofy mullet head. they were red, covered in the blood of the mice that he had brutally slaughtered cuz they wouldn’t stop squeaking “despa/shit/o” when he was trying to break the guiness werld rekerd for “Least Fecks Given While Your Entire Crew Is Dying Fighting A Battle With The Fate Of The Universe And All That Resides Within It At Stake”. 

wut an awes0me, ep1c, c00l, d00d. 

hawt daym.

“mhmmm llahncey boi.” keef said, attempting to wink but failing and blinking both eyes at once like an em0 mike wazowski with chronic spinal injury. “i knew ud think these were smeksy.”

“AW GEEZ Keeeeeeeth!!!!!!!!!” can i git in ur pahnts now. ur s1ck moves are making me harder than the meth problems pidgey-widgey tries to solve.” said llahnce bouncing up n down on the lightning maccqeen shaped beanbag

“da feck? d’ya mean  _ math _ problems?” keef asked, calling upon the demons that spoke to him in his dreams at night to levitate the fidget spinners beside his head. he took a seat beside the abandoned vido gayme controller. Only g0d knows where it had been by now... 

“wut the QUizNaK! they’re flying!” lance screms “they’re  _ FLYinG  _ KEEEEETH!!!!!!!!!!!”

“stfu l0sr. Imma fuck u up with my lightsaber if u dont shuddup” keef said angwily unsheithing his long ass, $0.50,  d1ck shaped glow stick

keth wuz being meen so llahce started crying loudly and generated so much Quint/Ass/Ence dat the galra empire wuz destroyed in one FeLL SwOOOOOOOP~~~

keefs guts and entrails were splattered on the destroyed castle walls n dey dripped down slwoly in tasty looking poolz of blood

he wuz dabbing when he said his last werds: “ _ Kacchow _ mthr fckerz” as he got incinerated to his constituent atoms n particlez

lahnce Got hit in da face with a spidgeting finner and lost another T00tH

wut awes0me, ep1c, c00l, d00ds

hawt daym


	2. b-b-b-b-end me plz

“shrek-chan! You look so kawaii desu~~~”  lance said, tearing up a little at how ky000t his significant other looked in his Pickle Rick onesie

sherk batted his eyelashes at lance and made the ogre equivalent of a lenny face ^| ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°|^ like da sm00th s3ductiv3 00g dat he wuz  ^| ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°|^ ^( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)^ ^| ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°|^ ^( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)^ ^| ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°|^

“but you’re never gonna b as kawaii as keef!!!” llahnce shrieked and threw the red fidget spinner with his broken tooth still attached to on one of it’s finner holes… “git sh _ rekt _ btch!!”

t’had been 1000 00 zillion twenty-teen  _ douche-bauches _ since keef-y had had the fckin audacity to blow the hell up without lance. and boiiiiii wuz he pissed  _ off _

“Yamete kuda-END ME PLZ! Uve been thru more weeb phases than there r plot h0les in the shtty PoWeR RaNGeRs fanfics u upload when ur stoned, AsS HaT!” shrek yodelled back, pulling off his sweat slicked pickle rick onesie till his soft, dangly, veiny, green, thicc, orgre ballz were hanging in llahnce’s face 

_ (mmmmmmm….yum….) _

The blu pawwadin was +vely shook-ETH!!! he clutched his chest and looked past Shrex hairy hot bod into his omniscient, beady, bloodshot, infected, magnificently swamp-coloured, eyes...

“Sh-shrek-kun...”  he said, lips trembling like chihuahuas high on three times their body weight of mountain D00

“Llahnc e wtfff . STOP. Being. A FCKIN. WEEB. ALL I WANT IS ONE PERSON!!!  _ ONE PERSON _ IN THIS entirE FCKING UNIVERSE TO TRY OUT KINKY SHT WITH. N WUT DO I FIND>!?!?!  _ WEIRDOS N WEEBZ??? _ !!!! FCK INTERGALACTIC CRAIGSLIST!!! ANd  _ FCK! YOU! _ ”

N with that shrek stormed out of the bouncy castle with fountains of hot, steamy, 0ger-y sweat pouring out of his arm pITTS while snorting the tune to da 13th opneing of the  _ NarutO shippdEN: w33b in denail EDITION  _

Llance was positely  _ shhook-eth!  _ his tears were mixing with the sweet smellin sweat river and the gaping void in his soul was expanding to consume everything around him...

“shrek-senpai...reads my pOWer rANGERS fanfix...”

the v0id grew bigger n bigger till it even outgrew dose hella thicc ballz n the weight of the realisation threatened to crush llahnce’s towering collection of concrete keef shaped dakimukura’s

the last screm the poor, sexy orge heard before he was brutally obliterated by the penetration (^| ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°|^) of lahnce’s sooper human sound waves wuz

_ “SHREK-SENPAI READS MY FKciN POWER RANGERZ FANFICKS mthr FcKRS!?!?!!!!”  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> git shrekt
> 
> yes the pickle rick onesie is an actual thing
> 
> mercy kill me please B)


	3. patience yields FUCKus

it had been decades

centuries

eons

since keef koGHEYne had last had a glimpse of the sun…

his arm lifted out of the null void shakily. every body part trembled with pain three times worse than what was inflicted upon sheewo when he was doomed to listen to the Nyan Cat Theme 10 Hour Version in galra torture chambers...

“llahnce...” he coughed, dragging himself into the blu palladin’s room “llahnce bring ur lame ass here n help me the fck up...” he wheeezed, flopping on the floor like a Spastic Salamander on Steroidz

“K-keefy boi...” came a whisper… keith could pratcially hear the tearz in lance’s SUCCulent voice which he missed as much as being able to beet his meet to rick astley mv’s... “KEEF IS THAT YU?!!!” 

The red palladin lifeted his mullet head and saw a half naked lance mcdonald in the middle of a profuse makeout session with Mothman

for a TICK errything was quiet

“ummm…wut ze fuk. who in ze hell is dis?” said mothman with  a surcprisngly strong,  _ ubermensch-ly _ , german accent

_ hawt  _ though keith  _ i want him inside me h0ly sht he’s so fkcin HAWT _

“r you thinking about me or Mah Mahn Mothman” lance scowled, placing his hands protectively around his German lover

“how the everloving fck can u reed my mind” keef yelled, already on his kneees ready to succ dix

he added in a  _ nyan _ for speacial effect and purred when mothman barfed a little in his mouth

“dood uve been away for centuries. Enough time for me to get some lit ass sooper powers.” he smirked  “Also enough for me to get rid of skrek senpai...”

“Wut. who?”

“Lets not talk bout it..”

Mothman took half naked llahnce off his lap n fetched his collection of dank Bee Movie memes

keith salsa’d over to take llance’s place on mothman’s dick n they all had a threesome to barry b benson’s voice playing melodiously in the background 

keef came realising that all the effort spent into escaping the null void had been worth it...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this fic has a [reading](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8z7_Unpf6J4)!
> 
> thnx to whomst ever managed to actually live through all of this lmao


End file.
